Now that I have my breath back, I realize that it is the final push of the race...the finish line you might ask? SUMMER BREAK of course! Our calendar is getting marked off day by day. I am not sure who is more excited, the kids or me.
I use to be one of those moms that felt a little bittersweet at every milestone. SO happy and excited for the child and whichever milestone that was, but also a little sad in the back of my head that they are growing up so fast, too fast. That was before, and now, I still love to celebrate just as much, but there is a little part of me that instead of looking back for a second, I celebrate even more that I am here and get to experience those milestones also!
I will admit, and although it makes me very sad to admit this, but there was a time, laying with my babies putting them to bed that I would wonder, maybe if I didn't go through treatment and just passed away, would it make it easier for them? Would it be easier for them to grow up with no memory of me? If I lived the amount of time the doctors gave me as "statistics", then they would really not have that much of a memory of me, and Ben maybe none at all. Do you know sometimes when you are extremely tired and emotionally exhausted, and it is late at night, sometimes you just don't think straight. I guess that it why they say sleep on it. Well, I did and was shocked that the thought could even go through my head. I was also mad. Mad, that the statistics were a reality we had to face. I was mad that there were parents not taking care of their own kids, beating them, killing them....and all kinds of bad stuff and these people would go on living, and all I wanted to do was live and take care of my babies. As I am typing this, I realize how this sounds now, but I guess when you are faced with what we were facing, you go through all your options and all kinds of feelings. Well, I am happy to say, that I got over the original shock, and have never, ever thought that way again. Something grew inside of me those nights of watching my kids so peacefuly sleeping; It was the will power to FIGHT! and fight I will and it is something I have been able to teach my kids everyday through this diagnosis. So, that is a glimpse of the dark side, keep reading for a glimpse of life after ......and how fun, or should I say funny it is!
One last story, Grayson always makes me the wicked witch, stepmother, evil queen, you get it. I always ask her why and give her a hard time about it. She tells me it is because of my hair. (I decided to keep it short) and it just lends itself to those characters! What?!?! So, not fair! ha ha, but I will gladly be any of them for her.
I always tell her during these conversations that "hopefully you will never know how hard I worked for my hair to be like this." :)
I will always take the title of CANCER MOM and wear it proudly:)